Deep Thoughts..

Just came back from boat quay.
Not from drinking.
Just send her to work + dinner.
On the way back chat with huaky.
Now i should ask myself.
"Do i love her?"
Like huaky said.
The situation is that,
When she needs me i m there.
When she wants to find someone to talk she can find me.
When she don't need me,
She don't need me.
She treat me as a good friend.
She is very independent.
With me around is just another bonus for her.
When i m around to send her to work then that's good.
If i m not around she can take bus or cab to work herself.
When she needs help financially i m there.
If i m not around she can find someone else.
Sometimes I find that there is not feelings between us.
I m like just feeling up the gaps for her.
People keep saying that,
"At least she is not ignoring you"
"At least we get to spend alot of time with each other"
Yes.
I agree totally.
Like i said previously.
I m happy with what i have now.
But there are times i m not happy too.
I m there to entertain her.
She is there to entertain me.
Ghost told me,
"Sometimes you should not always give it to her"
Huaky also said,
"Sometimes you should keep the ball in your court"
In case next time we are together and i keep the ball in my own court,
She would be unhappy.
But will we be together?
I don't see it coming.
I asked myself.
What is there i m bu fu qi about?
Do i really like her?
Or i just don't want to lose.
I seriously don't know.
I m thinking to come out a scenario,
But will it be effective?
Ai zhen said before,
"Now its not the time to ask her commit."
Then when is the time?
Its now like a routine thing.
I will think of her.
I will miss her.
I will care for her.
Whatever she wants i will give.
But what i really want?
But one thing for sure is that although i treat her as my girlfriend.
I don't regard her as one.
I mean to others i will say she is my friend.
This is a kind of respect i think.
Till the day she accept me i will always regard her as my friend.
I don't want people to think she is my girlfriend becoz this will somehow "hai" her.
I can live without her.
She can live without me.
Our character are so similar that i know what can be done what cannot be done.
We rather lose the chance than getting hurt.
We will only feel "Ke Xi" and not regret.


Alot of times,
We won't know what we really want till we lose it.
Maybe i should find a scandal.
And then i will know what i really want.
Anybody want to be my scandal?
Haha!
I m very shag now.
Yesterday duty din really sleep at all.
Today came home only slept for 2hrs.
Den i was out the whole day.
Don't feel sleepy but i can feel that my body is tired.
I think i m sick.
Not becoz of the duty.
Think its becoz of my long term drinking.
Every now and then when i go shit.
I see blood.
And its lots of blood.
I think my stomach is bleeding.
Whenever i eat something.
My stomach will hurts.
I can't take that so much food already compared to last time.
Whats wrong with me?


Maybe we shouldn't meet so often.
Seeing each other so often sometimes will feel sian.
No "Xing Xian Gan."
I think i should find some life other then kelly.
Think of it every now and then whatever shit i do or say is related to her.
I m somehow stuck on her.
Monday night we spend the whole night together.
Huaky, Ghost, Kelly and me.
Ate Sake sushi then go Kbox.
After that go HK cafe and eat supper.
When sending her home.
I actually wanted walk her up to her house.
I wanted to tell her


Today went to meet my insurance agent leon.
He watched me grew up.
Since i was a kid i knew him.
He and my dad knew each other very long ago.
Chat with him for the afternoon.
Was talking about jobs nowadays.
And asking him to help me look out for jobs which kelly can work.
Kelly again.
LOL.
She ask me what do you think is good for kelly.
I just said any jobs that has a good future.
Good future in the sense you can go far in the future.
Like hair stylist,
Makeup artiste,
Beautician.
All these job the furthest they can go is opening their own shop.
The market is very small.
When you get old your progress will be slower.
These jobs to me are just additional skills which helps to improve me.


We also talk about what m i gonna do after 3yrs or 7yrs.
He asked me what m i comfortable with?
What i really like?
I think to me,
Any work will be alright for me becoz its the environment i m working in important.
If the people around me i m working with is good.
Then i m happy.
If not that's fuck up liao.


I m not someone who wants to get very very rich.
I mean who doesnt wants to get rich.
As long as i have enough to spend,
I m happy.
Maybe win a big sweep/Toto (Group1)/4D (first prize),
That will be enough.
Hehe.


Planning to get a PSP (Pink) today.
But the stock haven come yet.
So ask huaky to help me get it tml.
I think the PSP i get most of the time will be with kelly ba.
Kelly again.
LOL.
I don't know yet.
Play by ear.
After that went to CIP kelvin.
Went to his house to visit him.
He looks fine.
We still got alot of cock to talk.
He show us some good stuff.
He still never change.
Like Ang moh.
LOL.


IPPT coming!!!
Next monday is gonna be my first attempt.
I NEED to clear my IPPT by end april.
Ho seh liao.
I think ask me drink 2 bottle chivas i can do better then running 2.4km.
See who can tong the longest.
Why isn't there endurance.
Why must run so fast?
I m really worried man.
First time take IPPT so scared.
Last time still very confident to pass just that silver is so near yet so far.
AFEW seconds nia.
I can do it this year!
Must sound convincing abit.
I CAN DO IT!


Just finished chit chatting on the phone with huiting.
She is a nice girl.
Talk about her BF,
How fuck up the BF is,
How fucker is the BF,
Talk about Kelly,
Talk about her current job,
Talk about her friends,
Talk about Kelly's friends.
Etc Etc Etc


Ok tired now.
Sian tml no OFF.
Think tml go take halfday afternoon.
Go home sleep and rest.
ARbo SHEE
CIaoz